For my sisters around the coffee table

I accidentally posted this blog here last week. I meant to post it to my personal one and clicked on the wrong button. (It's a dangerous thing for me to have edit capabilities on two blogs) With some encouragment from T, I submitt it here for your consideration and most of all your prayers. For those of you who know me well, you know that so much of this struggle comes from watching someone I love more than I can say, destroy thier life from the inside out.

One of the most profound experiences of my Christian journey came in the form of chastisement and the tender age of about 14. I remember every detail with great clarity; as if it happened to me yesterday. I was reading a book that was absolutely fascinating. I was riveted. However, the main character kept cursing God. I'm not talking about just cussing with the Lord's name it it (as if that wasn't bad enough). He was out and out cursing God as a liar, sadist and all sorts of other horrible things. I felt very strongly I was being told to put this book down. It was not for me. But I couldn't. The plot had me transfixed. Over and over I was told to put it down and I refused. Finally, I experienced what I can only assume was the Lord "giving me over" as the bible talks about in Romans, and letting me fully experience the consequences of my chosen sin. Suddenly I was consumed with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. In the passage of the book I was reading the charaecter was insisting that we all die and wither in the ground as worms eat us. (I know... I know...how was I ever riveted by this I don't know but I was) Anyway, I really believe, for a moment, the Lord removed His protection from my mind and I was allowed to fully experience that despair and what it would feel like to truly believe there is nothing. Everything is meaningless. Take what you can out of life because in the end you're just worm food. It was terrible. I cannot fully describe it to this day. I immediately grabbed my Bible and began reading every passage I could find where Christ promised that He is the Resurrection and the Light and he that believe in Me shall never die. I read it over and over and over until my fears were silenced, my spirit quieted, and my hope restored.
These days I find myself in a similar conundrum. This time it is not because of any act of disobedience but just because I cannot get my head to be still. My time in Texas for some reason has me bombarded with DOUBT. Every question I dared never utter has come rearing its ugly head and chipping away at my faith, which until now has been ROCK SOLID. I told my mom the other day if something doesn't go a particular way that I think it should, I'm going to be so angry with God. (And even as I type that confession my mind reels with exactly the same question; Just who do I think I am?) But I immediately followed that statement with this one. "All I know these days is that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. And I can never question His love for me because Christ's death on the cross has forever demonstrated that to me." And now more than ever, I find myself clinging to those two simple truths. And as I did at 14, I find when I permeate myself with them, my fears are silenced, my spirit is quieted and my hope is restored. For me, gone are the days of cookie cutter answerers to life's tough questions. They bring no comfort. I am in a place of clinging only to TRUTH that cannot be reduced any further. God is good and He is love and because of that I can trust Him. Mark 9:24 has become so sweet to me: "Lord I believe, please help my unbelief."
I must confess that as I write this blog I'm arguing with myself on whether or not to actually post it. It is so immensely personal. But I cannot help but think that in these times of great uncertainty I am probably not the only one struggling. So I post this for my friends and family who I know are struggling through great difficulties of their own. I admonish you my brothers and sisters to hang in there and voice your doubts to our Father. He is more than able to handle them!

With all your heart, with all your soul…

Hi, girls. I have thought endlessly about our discussion Monday night. Have you?

I’m still stewing over the different ways I can show my love to my God, my Savior, my King.

With my soul, where His Spirit dwells, love is as simple and as complicated utilizing the Fruit, by meditating on His Word, by keeping His tent clean. I am loving Him by trying to not quench Him.

With my heart, I show Him love by making sure it is His. I am loving Him when my heart is undivided. I am loving Him when I put Him first. I am loving Him when I am stoking the flames of passion for Him.

This week, my challenge has been to love Him with my mind. I have had trouble remaining focused on the things that I know please Him. I am so easily distracted – by news, by entertainment, by boredom, by restlessness, by sleep. My world lately is a series of mouse clicks and hyperlinks. But I am honoring Him when I use that time wisely, to do the work I know He has set before me.

This is my race to run, I am reminded. And I am doing no one any favors or honor (including Christ, the community of faith, and myself) when I doddle and meander.

Thank you, dear ones, for sharing in this journey with me. I loved our lesson from Monday night. (I cherish but apologize for all the tears!) We, lovelies, are on the ride of our lives – examining this holy Love Letter together. I have learned so much, and I am grateful for the sometimes violent, always beautiful purification process.

With love and prayers,

T

Dearly beloved

Greetings, girls.
I was just thinking about you all today. I feel so blessed to be a part of your lives, to be a part of your walk with the Lord. I love being witness to your growth and knowing that we are sharing the beauty every week.

My question is, what has the Lord been talking to you about lately? I want to hear Him through your words, your voices.

Hit me back. I'll post my own thoughts in the comments, too.

Love to all (and happy Friday),
T