For my sisters around the coffee table

I accidentally posted this blog here last week. I meant to post it to my personal one and clicked on the wrong button. (It's a dangerous thing for me to have edit capabilities on two blogs) With some encouragment from T, I submitt it here for your consideration and most of all your prayers. For those of you who know me well, you know that so much of this struggle comes from watching someone I love more than I can say, destroy thier life from the inside out.

One of the most profound experiences of my Christian journey came in the form of chastisement and the tender age of about 14. I remember every detail with great clarity; as if it happened to me yesterday. I was reading a book that was absolutely fascinating. I was riveted. However, the main character kept cursing God. I'm not talking about just cussing with the Lord's name it it (as if that wasn't bad enough). He was out and out cursing God as a liar, sadist and all sorts of other horrible things. I felt very strongly I was being told to put this book down. It was not for me. But I couldn't. The plot had me transfixed. Over and over I was told to put it down and I refused. Finally, I experienced what I can only assume was the Lord "giving me over" as the bible talks about in Romans, and letting me fully experience the consequences of my chosen sin. Suddenly I was consumed with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. In the passage of the book I was reading the charaecter was insisting that we all die and wither in the ground as worms eat us. (I know... I know...how was I ever riveted by this I don't know but I was) Anyway, I really believe, for a moment, the Lord removed His protection from my mind and I was allowed to fully experience that despair and what it would feel like to truly believe there is nothing. Everything is meaningless. Take what you can out of life because in the end you're just worm food. It was terrible. I cannot fully describe it to this day. I immediately grabbed my Bible and began reading every passage I could find where Christ promised that He is the Resurrection and the Light and he that believe in Me shall never die. I read it over and over and over until my fears were silenced, my spirit quieted, and my hope restored.
These days I find myself in a similar conundrum. This time it is not because of any act of disobedience but just because I cannot get my head to be still. My time in Texas for some reason has me bombarded with DOUBT. Every question I dared never utter has come rearing its ugly head and chipping away at my faith, which until now has been ROCK SOLID. I told my mom the other day if something doesn't go a particular way that I think it should, I'm going to be so angry with God. (And even as I type that confession my mind reels with exactly the same question; Just who do I think I am?) But I immediately followed that statement with this one. "All I know these days is that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. And I can never question His love for me because Christ's death on the cross has forever demonstrated that to me." And now more than ever, I find myself clinging to those two simple truths. And as I did at 14, I find when I permeate myself with them, my fears are silenced, my spirit is quieted and my hope is restored. For me, gone are the days of cookie cutter answerers to life's tough questions. They bring no comfort. I am in a place of clinging only to TRUTH that cannot be reduced any further. God is good and He is love and because of that I can trust Him. Mark 9:24 has become so sweet to me: "Lord I believe, please help my unbelief."
I must confess that as I write this blog I'm arguing with myself on whether or not to actually post it. It is so immensely personal. But I cannot help but think that in these times of great uncertainty I am probably not the only one struggling. So I post this for my friends and family who I know are struggling through great difficulties of their own. I admonish you my brothers and sisters to hang in there and voice your doubts to our Father. He is more than able to handle them!